


new year's day

by orphan_account



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: 2009, 2009!phan, Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst, Based on a Taylor Swift Song, M/M, Possibly Unrequited Love, Sad Ending, Welcome, do u like. depression, hurt!phil, its vague
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-28
Updated: 2017-11-28
Packaged: 2019-02-07 21:40:39
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 885
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12850068
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: "i want your midnightsbut i'll be cleaning up bottles with you on new year's day"phil had his heart stolen by a boy with dimples. but life isn't that simple, is it?





	new year's day

**Author's Note:**

> i interpreted this song as something completely different oops
> 
> anyway uhhh this is kind of based off my current problems eh but less sad. writing is therapy so this is what happened.
> 
> also yes this is based on taylor swift's song "new year's day"

The only sound in the kitchen was the steady click of the clock. It was well past midnight, but Phil wasn’t tired. Maybe it was because he was used to staying up well past the shifting between days or maybe it was because his mind wouldn’t quiet. 

It was hard not to be constantly thinking when the person he loved was no longer hundred of miles but instead upstairs in his bedroom. It was hard to believe this all was even real, and it was only the first day of it all.

He came down here to do something. What was it again?

Right, Dan wanted a glass of water. Phil grabbed his favorite glass and began filling it with water, letting his mind focus on that for a second. Add in some ice and Phil had the perfect glass of water.

He made his way back upstairs, slowly opening his bedroom door. There on his bed, curled up in the comforter and wearing a hoodie, was Dan Howell.

The Dan Howell. The boy who had stolen Phil’s heart in a matter of months.

His hair was fluffy, slowly starting to turn into the dreaded (adorable) curls. He blinked slowly at Phil, exhausted from getting up so early in the morning. As if Phil’s heart wasn’t suffering enough, Dan reached out for the glass, pouting ever so slightly. Phil handed it to him and watched as he slowly sipped from it.

Dan set the glass on the bedside table near him once he was done. He turned back to Phil, who was standing there like an idiot, too busy admiring Dan to remember to move. Dan didn’t seem to notice, however, instead yawning widely. He rubbed his now watery eyes and Phil wondered if Dan was aware how much of a hold he had over Phil.

“Let’s go to sleep,” Phil whispered, going over and turning off the lights. The room was flooded with inky darkness, the only light coming from the soft glow of an old night light. Phil could see the outline of Dan settle down into the bed, waiting for Phil to return.

Phil slipped into the covers, letting the warmth hug his bones. The two laid face to face, a million words waiting to be spoken, yet neither knew what to say. Dan’s eyes had slipped close, leaving his face still and peaceful. Phil listened to Dan’s breathing as it evened out, his body slowly giving into sleep.

“Dan?” Phil breathed. The silence that met him told him everything he needed to know. Phil gently reached out and let his fingers settle in Dan’s hair, feeling the soft curls underneath his hand.

His heart ached. It wanted Dan, but it was stuck in someone so scared of losing someone so precious that they stayed silent.

“You’re so beautiful,” Phil confessed to the sleeping boy. “Everything about you is just… beautiful. I feel so lucky and unlucky at the same time.”

Dan slept on, not even stirring.

Phil sighed. “I’m-I know- it’s not fair, you know? That someone as wonderful as you came into my life and you steal my heart in the blink of an eye, yet I didn’t even try to fight it. But then the world decided it needed to play some sick joke on me, I guess, ‘cause it turns out you can never be mine.”

Dan’s chest rises and falls slowly with each deep breath.

“I just- I want you- I want to be something to you. To be someone you look at and feel at home, feel safe and loved. To be the person you rest your head on when you’re weary and let me kiss your wounds better. It hurts, so badly, my heart feels like it’s being ripped in two and I can’t even bring myself to cry.”

Phil wishes Dan would wake up, would listen to him and reassure him. He knows that isn’t going to happen. This isn’t a fairy tale.

“And I’m addicted to the pain, this tear inside, because I can’t let go of those feelings, the ones that kept me up on Skype while you fell asleep.” Phil feels his eyes water. It’s the closest he’ll get to crying over this. “You’re too beautiful, Dan. You’ve ruined me in the perfect way possible, and I want it all over again. I want those nights where we simply skype in silence or where one of us falls asleep. I want it all a million times over.”

Dan shifts a bit in his sleep, allowing the blanket to fall further over his shoulder. 

“I’m so scared of you becoming a stranger, of you losing the memories of us. And the world is trying so hard for that to happen, but I can’t let it win, not again.” Phil brings his hand down from Dan’s hair, letting it rest on his cheek instead. He leaned forward and softly kissed Dan’s nose, hovering there for a few seconds before pulling back.

He stared at Dan for a few more minutes, admiring every inch of his face, before letting his eyes fall close as well. He greeted sleep with open arms, hoping for a dream to soothe the harshness of reality.

Because right now, Phil didn’t want to face reality. Maybe he will tomorrow.

**Author's Note:**

> if it makes you feel better, phil never told dan about his feelings in this fic. he could return the feelings and phil is just assuming things.
> 
> i was not as lucky
> 
> thanks for reading my sad vent writing pals


End file.
